Stepping Out

I made all my goals yesterday - booked the Weaving Class, booked trip to Australia, -- now that is huge... and now will finish that trip - by booking hotels and side trips. I have travelled to other countries, but never totally on my own - usually a convention and then once I am acclimatized I go off on my own... I have realized if I want to travel I need to do it on my own - I know I will meet people once I am there. I am thinking of booking rail travel ... have to do some more exploring... but would be a great way to see the country without driving... a very large country... takes 15 hours from Sydney to Brisbane -- so I may take rail one way and fly back... and I do have the time... so will now work on my itinerary - it can be flexible -- but I need to venture out. I can remember a time after my divorce when I had the boys that I had a hard time getting outside my boundaries - could hardly go to Vancouver alone - and would not take the boys anywhere I had never been... so I have come a long ways... I am excited that I am doing this... if I can go to Australia - next trip I can go to where the language is different. And it has taken me a while to get and learn how to weave - and today I will send the deposit... yahoo... I am excited.. and then will look into spinning next. I have two walls painted the other two will be done today... I am not missing work one bit.. hardly even think about it.. it took so much out of me that I had no time or energy for the fun things... and to be healthy I need exercise, nutrition, friends, and creativity... doing new things that I love that challenge will help my brain age.... The education environment robs you of being a healthy person -- and now I am moving on to health - with the small contract of 10 hours a month it will be enough to live on ... exciting steps forward... these are the years I need to create meaning and memories...

Forward

I did make my goals for yesterday - Beetle and I walked, I did one coat of paint on the wall, and proceeded forward on booking a trip. I hope for today to have a trip booked to Australia - cannot believe I will actually do this and go... I will finish the painting - and take the dog for a walk, as treacherous as it is ... I am so thankful for the life I have - friends, food and comforts. I did minimize the amount of time I spent doing creative projects yesterday... and did do one hour of reading so for today .... reading, walking, painting, crocheting, booking a trip, paying for weaving workshop...

Changes Happening

It has been two days of changes and finally getting to the next step of life... the business plan finally was accepted and all the angst that was created was for no reason as they have shelved it due to lack of Ministry funding... I have to learn to not have things bother me -- and not get involved in any political projects ever again...

I have made changes - registered for the Weaving workshop in February - ordered the spindle kit and some fibre. Today I moved forward is washing walls in the office and will start painting... making sure I get up each day and dress is a big challenge... exercise has not been as easy due to the dreadful weather - it is treacherous to walk - so am doing physical work with washing walls and painting... pulling myself away from "work"and towards other meaningful things has been hard. But have made sure I met with friends each week... this week I met one friend for coffee and another the next day for lunch... and will visit another on the weekend... so am creating balance - I went overboard on creativity last week -- so need to plan my projects and daily life in a more balanced way. My nutrition has been very good - I eat all the right things and at the right times and this has made a big difference to the amount of drugs I am having to take I have been able to decrease my drugs to once a day instead of twice and I think this is a good thing...

Today I will finish the wall washing and hole filling and prepare to start painting first thing tomorrow... Tonight I will read for a while and do some crocheting - when it stops raining - Beetle and I will go for a walk... It has been easier then I thought it would be to break away from work - think having such a terrible project made it easier... if I need money I can do some quilting and sell it at a market rather than do this kind of stressful work... and decreasing expenses will help too... Has always been hard for me to make changes as I am so tied to security - I think that comes from being a struggling single mother - when some months I could not make ends meet... and I went on to become successful and have a few extra dollars - it is so hard to choose to go back to the possibility of that struggle ever again.

Sometimes I am far too independent for my own good - but it is that stubborness and independence that has helped me survive...

Balance

I have not had any trouble sticking to my creative side.... did do exercise yesterday and on my way out today... and have had some challenges with my work side - but have addressed them. Stuck to my guns of saying NO... it took some encouragement from friends - but I did it!! Now that is a big step for me -- as in the past I would have given in and gone and done it... and I have read no work related emails at night or weekends - another big step... I am learning to work like others - it is hard - but I am creating change and that is what is important. Bob keeps saying if you are going to be a consultant you have to do what they want... but I believe I have control of what I want to do!! I am not in the position of having to take and do what everyone else wants me to do... I am at a stage in my professional life that I can pick and choose - and I will only work with positive and supportive people... I will work hard in these conditions - but no longer wasting my energies on situations and in environments where it is all stress and all personality egos... building themselves at my expense... NOT... I am enjoying each and every day - so much fun to have the time to make healthy meals and get a good night's sleep, have time to read for fun and create for fun... I have now made a decision to learn a skill I have always wanted to do... I have ordered fleece and a spindle so I can learn to spin and if I enjoy it I will buy a wheel and then I can spin and weave and knit... and spend my time creating ... and who knows where that will take me.... but at least it is with natural fibres and creative people. I am thinking that if I gain some skills I will look into going to Olds College next summer and do the Spinning and Weaving Program there... That has been a goal for several years -- now I am ready.... I am feeling really good about all my decisions this year... so 2010 will be a great year and spending next winter on Pender Island will further enhance my skills... with the close proximity to workshops.

Getting Hold

The last two days I have spent doing creative activities and no exercise -- my arm was really sore and I could not lift it -- so with a pillow propped under it I was able to crochet. Today I have said this is enough - I am going for a long walk with Beetle...

I have been drawn back into the Business Plan I am hating - I do not like the management of it - it is a dictatorship -- only her way and I do not work well in these situations - I always pull back and do not want to be involved... I only like working with people -- not for them... makes me realize I do not want to do any more of this type of work -- if I do anything after this it will be more with faculty and teaching and NOTHING to do with this particular institution - and an institution IT IS... they think going to talk to Aboriginals will change their behaviour - they need to change their culture and show they have changed first!! Oh well, guess I have to buck up and do exactly what they want and get it out of my life so I can move on to more positive things. I have to say I really enjoy being at the lake and the solitude and healthy lifestyle it brings... Getting back into work mode is not healthy for me as I have to work so hard at bringing balance and standing up for myself instead of getting pulled in yet again... and as Bob said when you are a consultant you have to say nothing and just do what they want - whether you agree with it or not..> NOT in this case... looking positively soon it will be over... YES over as I am only available the month of January and no longer.... trying to figure out how they can get someone else to do this piece....

Healing my Arm again

Yesterday was a beautiful day at the lake - everything was all diamonds... it was -22, but that did not stop us from going out for a two hour ski on the lake - great for the body and soul. But at the end I fell and reinjured my elbow - it is so sore today - and even worse that I cannot do anything creative - so it is a day of reading.

I am doing a lot of soul searching to understand why it is so critical to me that no one else tell me what to do... I was so mad at Bob yesterday when he told me I should be out of my nightgown by 10:30 - do not think he will tell me that again... I love lazing around in my nightgown and think it is value of others that dictate that you need to get dressed everyday... or is it important for me to get dressed???

We are now back in Smithers - such a change and I still cannot decide where it is I would rather live as they are both so different. I think I want the house in town because it has so many memories and gives me total security... I do not like changes... and this is where I raised my boys - it is not that it is a fantastic house - just that it gives me a place that is mine - again back to my issues with having things my way... is it independence? is it control? is it my feeling that I might be abandoned and left alone again? I do not know - do we need a place to call home? My questions for the day - do not know if I will have an answer...

I have to take a day off from exercise as my arm desperately needs a rest... I am hoping the aching will not be so bad tomorrow...

Glorious Bright Day

The hoar frost has painted everything white ... the sun is shinning and what a glorious day. Have started the day with changes - committed to attend an Organic Health Session on Southside with Vera. This is not something I would have done in the past - my commitment to Health and Community is taking its direction. Kelly dropped by for coffee and Kelly, Bob and I are out for a ski this afternoon. I am trying very hard to not work and make sure my day is balanced in every way... so community, health and exercise are all on my schedule for today. I will continue to crochet the scarves and think creatively as well.